I have a son. And he is one year old.
My sweet Charles is my long-awaited blessing, and even now, a year into his "outside" life and 20 months into me knowing of his existence, I sometimes have to remind myself that this is my life. He is my son. I am his mother. I will always be his mother.
This year... This year has been so, so hard. I have cried. A lot. I have felt guilty. A lot. I have felt inadequate. All the time. I have second-guessed God for thinking I was capable of handling motherhood more often than I'd like to admit.
But here we are on the other side of it. This best year of my life.
Charles is the joy of our lives, the joy of our marriage. I miss him when he naps too long (while in the same breath being thankful for the extra moments of rest or of productivity). I can count on one hand the number of times we haven't been in the same building. He has changed me, challenged me. I love him fiercely, and he's beginning to show just how much he loves me back. Truly, my cup runneth over.
I haven't been the mother I thought I'd be. I haven't eaten perfectly. I haven't used all my time wisely. I haven't been as patient as I was sure I would be. I've been selfish quite often, mostly with my time (and mostly with my sleep time). But I have loved my child more than I knew I was capable. I am growing less selfish each day. I am learning more about nutrition all the time and, more importantly, finally starting to stick with my healthy eating plans more and more. I am sincerely trying to eliminate distractions and simplify my expectations of productivity so I can focus more on relationships. The patience thing... I'm still working on. ;)
Just as I have grown into motherhood, Charles has grown from an infant to a little boy in one short year. He's gone from only needing and taking to also loving and giving. We have grown together. It has been a beautiful thing.
I know now that I will never "arrive" at good motherhood. I will never be that mom I dreamed of being. But by God's grace I will always be moving forwards--sometimes more sure of myself than others--and in another year's time, I will be that much closer to the dream, and that much closer to my son.
Love your thoughts and insights. I often read your posts on fb and your blog and think .... "I met her because of a bench on craigslist??" How awesome is our God! You see, my wonderful hubby and I started our married life and our parenting journey as Christians who, quiet honestly, had a worldly view of how to live. Several years and three kids into this wonderfully challenging journey we were blessed to meet some great people who poured God's TRUTH (as opposed to a distorted, "easier to swallow" view of God's Word) into our lives. There have been many times that we wished we could have started out with such wisdom, but we know God is faithful and sovereign, and He is still using mistakes and foolishness from the past to grow and teach us. I often see young couples starting out and I want to tell them all I have gleaned from God's Word through the years....wanting them to not waste a minute believing any lies! :) Meeting you was such a JOY!! It was so exciting to see a young couple relying on God's truth and walking in His faithfulness. You are a blessing to me....even though we only met once, because of a bench! ;) ~ Jeanette
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